SPOILER: contains lots of football chat. Actually, it’s all football chat, with not a mention of nappies or bedtime routines. Perhaps give this one the red card if the beautiful game isn’t your thing. Normal service to resume ASAP.
Euro 2016 is only a few weeks away and various (apparent) experts in the media have been putting their England squads together for us to roll our eyes at (Stuart Pearce’s) or subconsciously nod in agreement to (I’m yet to 100% do this). So without further ado, and assuming there are no more injuries, here’s my 23 off to France this summer.
Joe Hart - an obvious choice, as he's one of the best in the world. Plus, as an extra bonus, he has dandruff free hair.
Fraser Forster - a decent back up to Hart. Might have dandruff though.
Ben Foster - not the greatest but has more experience than Heaton. As a Wolves fan myself, I'm putting my country first and overlooking the fact he plays for the Tesco bags.
Nathaniel Clyne - toss up between him and Walker, not much in it.
Kyle Walker - toss up between him and Clyne, not much in it.
Danny Rose - decent against Germany wasn't he? Sehr gut.
Leighton Baines - not the player he was but we don't have a set-piece expert. Also, his accuracy with a dead ball will inevitably be called upon when we get knocked out in the quarter-finals on penalties.
Chris Smalling - I'm not his biggest fan but we're pretty limited at centre-back.
Gary Cahill - I'm not his biggest fan but we're pretty limited at centre-back.
John Stones - 6 months ago he was worth £30m and being chased by Barcelona. Now he can barely get in the Everton team. Have I mentioned we're pretty limited at centre-back?
Eric Dier - got to start as our holding midfielder. I'm only taking 3 centre-backs (because as I said, we haven't got any), but Dier can fill in if need be.
Dele Alli - could be the mainstay of our midfield for the next ten years. So, so good. Just needs to hold off from throwing his toys out of the pram if clattered by a burly Russian in the first match. Naughty boy.
Jack Wilshere - controversial I know, as he's only played 7 seconds of football over the last 4 years, but he can glide past opponents and pick passes none of our other players can even see.
Jordan Henderson - more energy than a toddler on Smarties.
James Milner - can literally play anywhere and can do a job. Stick him in goal or get him to drive the team bus if we're desperate.
Adam Lallana - on his day he's bloody great but he needs to have more of those days. Good for team morale as he's popular in the dressing room, what with the Nivea Men handouts.
Ross Barkely - should be amazing by now but he's not quite there is he? Maybe this summer he'll do it. Then maybe he'll get a decent haircut.
Raheem Sterling - An indifferent season with City but he can dribble more than a teething baby.
Harry Kane - starts for me, up on his own with three creative players behind him like they do at Spurs. Needs to close his mouth though.
Jamie Vardy - super-sub for when it's not working for Rooney (so probably every game then).
Wayne Rooney - we all know Roy will play him so there's no point even debating not taking him.
Daniel Sturridge - when he's not in the treatment room, he's our best finisher.
Marcus Rashford - only in because Welbeck is injured and Walcott has been absolute turd this season.
INJURED (but would have taken):
You're subconsciously nodding aren't you? No? Bugger.
Come on In-ger-land!